No, he doesn't talk.............anymore.

Take my word for it, even if you DO build a really awesome igloo out of ice-cubes in your freezer, don't kid yourself into believing that your parakeet wants to play "March of the Penguins" in there.

Illegal use of hands.

I'm bummed that Pennsylvania College of Art and Design doesn't have a football team. Sure, they would suck, but their uniforms would be fabulous.

I'm only happy when it rains..........

Rain, rain, go away. Or I'll be forced to slit my wrists. Hmmm, that doesn't rhyme as well as I remember.

Nobody doesn't like.........

Today, I filled out a job application at "BJ's Wholesale Club". There was a question on it which asked "have you ever worked for BJ's before?". I answered "Worked for, no. But I have spent a hell of a lot of money buying drinks"............. So far, no callback.

Government prostate exam.

My ears were "burning" today. It is said that this means someone is talking about you. At the same time, however, my butt-hole started hurting. I guess the person talking about me was from the IRS.

The magic Dorito.

Even though it is a huge pain in the ass, I must admit my pride swells a little when I clog the toilet.

In the end, we are only the sum of our scars.

How about a little 38 Special?

I think I will "accidentally" spill my beer on anyone who mentions how well/poorly their fantasy football team is doing today. "Sorry dude, that was a fantasy beer-vendor accident in the fantasy stands."

420 Stoner Road

I asked "So, can I get your number?". She said, "Sixty-nine"......... Things are looking up..........or down, depending on your preference.

No tea for me, thanks.

Think back to your school days, any school days from K to college. Remember how the loud, pain-in-the-ass whiners and complainers were almost always mouth-breathing dullards? Too bad that doesn't change when you grow up.............and sadly, now they can vote.

Thanks for the tip.

I prefer to hang out with the girls.........they always point out the sluts.

Can I have your stuff?

He who dies with the most toys wins.......... but that doesn't make him any less dead.

Apples and........apples.

On September 11 (the irony of which is hysterical to me), 2008, the PA "smoking" laws took effect. We all know about it, so I won't bother with the details of the law. The reason for it (essentially) was the "risk" to the health of those forced to share a space with me and come in contact with "second hand smoke" (in other words, fear of death). Ok, now I can't smoke where I want..........but I dealt with it. The "public" spoke and got what they wanted......... and I bit the bullet and headed outside so as to not "endanger" any of the non-smokers in a public place. It's that "in a public place/forced to share" thing that got me thinking about something else today..........

Everyday I am "forced to share" a public place with the general public.........and my life is endangered constantly by the actions of others. It has been proven time and time again that driving while using a cell phone is incredibly dangerous.....not only to yourself, but to anyone else in that "shared public space". The connection is easy to make, yet universally ignored because EVERYONE has a cell phone.......and only awful people smoke, right? My point is this.....bite the bullet, put down the phone like I put down my cigarette.............save your own life and maybe mine as well........otherwise, like I said before, you're just another full-of-shit asshole.

Don't call us. We'll call you.

I have decided to try "speed-dating", but I won't be going to an organized "event". What I mean is, I'm going to set up 10 or 12 dates on the same night, have one drink while I determine if they find me "sponge-worthy", then feign an emergency phone-call and proceed to the next date.

Window shopping.

If presented with just the right inflection, I find the phrase "Hello, ladies" transcends any language barrier.

Rubber-necking.

Where I work, sometimes you are asked to run the boring machine. A literal and figurative collision.

An army of one.

There is something rather empowering in the knowledge that my body produces flammable gas.

Oh snap.

I should have believed you when you said you couldn't bend that far............but hey, look on the bright side. You can now.

And if you act now.....

*Ring, ring*.....

Me : Hello.

Idiot : Yeah, I'm calling about the motorcycle you have for sale.......I was wondering if you'd be willing to come down on the price?

Me : Why would I come down on the price for someone who has not even seen the bike?

Idiot : Well, I can buy a 2004 KIA for like $800.00.

Me : So, go ahead...... I can buy a cheese-steak for like $8.00, and that's just as relevant.

Idiot : It just seems like a lot for that bike.

Me : You mean for the bike you've never seen, right? Well, you can come take a look at it if you wish, or you can stop wasting my time.

Idiot : I just think you could come down on the price.

Me : Good choice.

*click*

Not a Clapton fan.

If Richard Dawkins ever gives a speech around here, I will be there. I'll be the guy in the crowd holding up a sign which reads "DAWKINS IS GOD".

Glass completely-empty kind-of-guy.

Stoli. It's the only sleep-aid I trust........AND sometimes it gets handed to me by a hot chick who pretends she likes me. Ah, sweet dreams.

CliffsNotes.

To make a long story short, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The end.

Good times were had by all.

What's that old saying? "When it rains, it pours a bucket of raw sewage into your open mouth while sodomizing you and forcing you to watch puppies get thrown into a wood-chipper."? Yeah, that's it, I think.

Post-it clothes.

There is "good" sticky, and then there is "bad" sticky. I've had enough "bad" for a while, thanks.

Calling for showers.

I can't think of any situation in which hearing the phrase "Urine is sterile, right?" would be a good thing.

Don't drive angry.

In the movie "Groundhog Day", Bill Murray learns "over time" all the things that his love-interest likes, then uses all that information to con her into his bedroom.......... Everyday, facebook gives me updates on specific things that my "friends" like......... Little gears in my head have begun to turn.

This side up.

If I had internet access, a tanker truck of "Turkey Hill iced tea", a metric ass-load of cigarettes, and a constant supply of "Depends", I'm sure I could live quite comfortably in a refrigerator box.

You have to be this tall.

For about a year now, I've been experiencing some pretty serious bouts of vertigo. This used to bother me, but now I've kinda started to like it. Next time it happens, no matter where I am, I'm gonna raise my arms and scream like I'm on a roller-coaster. I might get odd looks from some people, but screw them........ it's a hell of a ride.

Two steps forward.

To claim to be beyond sophomoric would be a complete failure of one's wisdom.

Win or crash.

Contrary to the old adage, I am putting all my eggs in one basket. I see it this way...........If things go bad, I'll have a big-ass basket-full of eggs to throw at whoever made it so.

Half empty.

If I were to turn all I know about life into a beverage, I'm afraid it would taste quite bitter.

Sharp-dressed man.

It is very hot and humid here...... If an 80' giant were to suddenly appear wearing an enormous, lint-covered sport-coat, he could ram a stick up my butt and use my lifeless body as one of those sticky-roller thingies.

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

When golf was invented, I'll bet they had trouble coming up with a standard size for the ball........then there was a hail-storm. Everyone voted........golf and weather-forecasting were changed forever. Later, the debate probably switched to the subject of ugly pants.

I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain............

We've all heard those stories about freak storms which rain frogs or fish or some other weird shit. I want to know why it never rains anything cool........like hedgehogs or PEZ.

Diamond cutter.

I think it's terribly unfair that when it gets very cold, women's nipples perk-up and seem to say "Well hello there, handsome." but my genitalia does an excellent impression of a "Shrinky-Dink".

Backfire.

It's sad to think that the closest I will ever come to knowing what it's like to be a bombardier beetle is having explosive diarrhea.

The butterfly effect.

In nature, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" is held as a basic truth. However, "Mother Nature" has traditionally been portrayed as a woman. Therefore, shouldn't it technically read "over-reaction"?

Golden calf.

A couple of days ago, there was a news story about a huge statue of Jesus which was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. I don't know why, but I now have an overwhelming urge to go there in the dead of night and replace it with a "Bob's Big Boy" statue.

.......98, 99, 100.

I'm gonna stuff a dead bum in my closet and just leave him there. So the next time any one of my friends drops by with their children, I can say "Hey kids, let's play hide-and-seek!".

Joni never loved Chachi.

For unknown reasons, I started singing "Big Yellow Taxi" to myself a few minutes ago. I got to the line "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?". It's just so true...........particularly when referring to toilet-paper.

God save the Queen.

It is very hot here and I want someone to hit me with water-balloons. I also want that someone to be Helen Mirren in a bikini........but that's a whole other issue.

I didn't know I wasn't.

It just occurred to me how many times in my life someone has awakened me only to ask "Why don't you go to bed?".

Expiration date.

It doesn't make sense to me that funeral processions move so slowly. I'd think you'd want to bury the damn thing as soon as possible, before it starts stinking-up the place.

Let me tell you about my mother..........

If you flip a turtle on it's back, it will surely die. This is why we see so few break-dancing turtles.

One of these things is not like the others.......

If President Obama's face is ever added to Mt. Rushmore, wouldn't they technically have to paint it?

Get out of my head.

I find that if I say the word "headache" over and over again, it starts to sound increasingly like "beer".

88 miles per hour.

I heard on NPR today about the unveiling of the "iPhone 4"........I have a "phone". It makes calls and receives them. People make fun of it. That's ok, because when I DO get a new phone, I will appreciate it so much more than someone who went from the iPhone 3 to the iPhone 4. It'll be like I traveled through freakin' time.

...but one of them is not a nickel.

As I'm typing, I'm sitting here listening to the unmistakable sound of a hand-full of coins bouncing around in the clothes-dryer. Why has no one ever taken this inevitability to the next level and incorporated a coin-sorter/counter/wrapper into the design? I'd buy one. Shit, I could pay for it with the money I get out of the dryer.

The bridge was smokin'.........

Living one's life is like composing a song in many ways. Most seem to want to compose theirs in "C".....with no "sharps or flats". Pleasant, but boring in my opinion. I want my "song" to be fraught with minor notes. It is only through them that the greatest joy and deepest sorrow can be expressed or experienced.........and when the song is over, I want to be totally spent.

Nope.

Gravity always wins.......dammit.

Save room for cake!

The worst part about walking a dog is the inevitable bag of poop you have to carry back home with you. It's horribly undignified. Because of this, I have stopped using little plastic bags in favor of one of those "pastry bags". That way, I just look like a really dedicated baker with dementia when I walk a dog......and I get to practice my cake decorating skills when I get home. Win, win.

Click here to enter.........

I'd like to have a social gathering of all the people I keep in touch with over the internet. I considered making it a "bring a covered dish" sort of thing, but you know damn well that half of them would be SPAM...... But who knows, maybe I'll "get lucky". Normally, I'd worry that I would end up with some sort of malicious virus from that............but luckily, I have acquired a good supply of Trojans.

Just to be a dick..........

If I was Lance Armstrong, I'd seriously consider changing my name to Lance Legstrong.

Do Not Disturb........

I think I'll post some photos on-line from my stay-cation. That might sound boring, but the laundry room is quite stunning this time of year.

It's "ALL SKATE" now. Let's all skate!

The roller rink........ah, good times. I didn't get there very often as a kid, but I do remember it being fun. "But why?", I asked myself today. Around and around the same boring oval...........and then, my moment of inspiration came. Why not make this a "spectator sport"?............. I'm going to design skates that look just like little "NASCAR" cars. Shit, if I can get permission to sell Budweiser at the concession stand, I'd be a freakin' millionaire overnight.

Damn kids..........

There are approximately 1,597,675,921,459,200 square feet of land on earth. There are about 6,824,300,000 people on earth. That's a square of land just over 44 feet in length and width for every damn one of us. I think this alone is justification for any old man who wishes to yell "Get off my lawn".

I'll be outside, if you need me............

A little quick math has revealed to me that I have smoked about 230,000 cigarettes in my life. If I only count the "smoke-able" portion of the cancer-stick, that equates to a cigarette about 7.25 miles long........inhaled directly and deeply into my lungs. Is it possible that this may one day kill me? Sure. But my second-hand smoke isn't going to kill you here tonight in the bar, so shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my beer. Here, let me buy you a few shots..........have a nice drive home.

Not exactly Malachi...........

Where I lived as a little kid, you couldn't go more than quarter mile in any direction without running into a corn field. Consequently, much of my early youth was spent running down the seemingly endless rows of corn, intentionally getting "lost" in the maze of maize. I still vividly remember the almost immediate feeling of isolation I would get by striding only a few yards into the tall, green stalks...........the beckoning of the "path" before me leading to places unknown...........the peaceful quite created by the insulating effect of a million leaves..........the odd feeling of disorientation when I would finally emerge............and the hope that where it had lead me would be a new, exciting place. It never was. I'd find myself, typically, about fifty yards from where I had entered. I'd return home with a sense that if I had only gone a bit further, I'd have found that place I believe lied "on the other side". Eventually, I emerged from the stalks for the last time. I suppose the dreams of a wondrous new world on the other side of a cornfield can only be dashed so many times before you abandon them forever. I'd like to think, however, that the child I once was still runs headlong down the neat rows, sure of something magical in the unseen distance.

Red, white and blue light special...........

Memorial Day weekend has arrived. American tradition dictates that we go out and buy cool shit at awesome "Memorial Day Sales", celebrate the annual "Opening of the Pool", cavort on our favorite beach and eat millions of tons of potato salad...............oh, and something about dead soldiers or something.

....just another sad old man, all alone and dying of cancer......

Both my brother and I were told as young adults still in high school "If you want to go to college, you damn-well better get a scholarship.". Now, as an adult with my father aging rapidly, I think back to those words and laugh...........I'm pretty sure "Shady Acres Nursing Home" isn't giving out any scholarships for being an asshole.

Here comes the sun..........

Today I found myself thinking about the somewhat disturbing act of using a magnifying glass and the sun's rays to burn ants. Then, I couldn't stop myself from actually doing the math to figure out just how large a magnifying glass I would need to burn people. It turns out, in technical terms, it'd have to be "really fucking big". I checked eBay........no luck.

I'd like my money back...........

When I was a very young boy, people told me "God loves you".......and I bought it. I think that was the first time I experienced "buyer's remorse".

23.5 degrees........

When the Summer Solstice arrives, I'm going to walk around all day with a scowl on my face until someone finally asks me "What's wrong?". I'll answer, "It's just been a really long day."................It is never too early to plan a lame joke.

Parte de tiempo........

I've decided to fill all my pockets with candy, and hang myself from a tree outside of a Mexican day-care center.

Stones........

In youth, we feel indestructible.........but are not. As time passes, we begin to understand that we were wrong. That wisdom is the catalyst which slowly cures the mortar between the stones of experience from which men are built...........and finally, we are indeed rendered indestructible.

Brazilians.............

If you were to ask me in what "configuration" any of my guy-friends maintain their pubic hair, I could not give you an answer.............because I don't know. On the flip side, if you were to ask the same question of a woman about her friends' nether-regions, I'd be willing to bet she would know. How? It's those group bathroom trips..........I'm sure of it. Women are awesome.

Oh well, the cake was good..........

I was thinking about marriage today. No, not about myself "getting married"...........that's just crazy talk. About the "act" of getting married. Specifically, the phrase "I do". Considering the current failure rate of unions (about 50%), I think maybe there should be a slight change in the wording. How about "I'll try" or "At the moment"?

Dammit.........

There is nothing in this world which a poorly aimed penis can't ruin.

Treasures..........

I have never shared joy with a "thing", laughed with one of my "assets", pined for the companionship of "paraphernalia" or mourned the loss of a "possession". Yet I have done all these with or for "someone"............and I am glad I know where the real treasures lie.

Fur-people.........

There was a time when I had several dogs. I found it almost impossible to think of them as anything but four-legged fur-people. Case in point - when I would leave the house for any extended period of time, I would leave the television on so they "wouldn't get bored". Now, I feel bad about that. If today someone were to force me for any length of time to watch what is considered "entertainment" coming through the boob-tube, I'd be hard pressed not to open a vein...........and my poor pups couldn't do that for themselves.......but I'm sure they would have, if they just had opposable thumbs.

Eye of the beholder........

On my wall, there hangs a display case. In it, there are a few dozen butterflies of various sizes and colors, all impaled with straight pins which have heads of different colors. It is quite beautiful and strangely morbid. It makes me wonder if it would still be so if it contained something else...........like penguins or koalas.

Internal-combustion equine........

I live in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. The sight of an Amish buggy almost never turns my head anymore because it's just part of the landscape here........but yesterday I saw something I'd never seen before. There was a horse and buggy parked and tied to a gas-pump at a service station. It seems that the Amish have been quietly developing hybrid technology............I'd bet it still only develops one horsepower.

What?

Occasionally, when I'm in a bar or something, I'll see deaf people watching television. Sometimes they'll be reading subtitles........or maybe they can read lips. But then a commercial comes on............."Can you hear me now?"..............ooooooh, that's gotta hurt.

Thanks for sharing.......

I suspect we've all had these moments...........during a seemingly innocent conversation, someone gives you a wee-bit too much information which makes you squirm. I've been thinking about the many times this has happened to me in my life, and here are several (not verbatim, most are quite old memories) which came to mind.

".....she decided to have her baby at home. When nobody was watching, the dog ate the placenta."

" Thanks, I'm feeling a little better but I've had explosive diarrhea all week."

" .......when I looked down, all I saw was this moist, brown ring."

" I was totally drunk, so I didn't care. In the morning, the sheets looked like a murder had been committed."

" ........so I just shook the turd out of my pant-leg."

" ........and his nose smelled like my asshole."

" When I woke up, I had little toilet-paper balls in my mustache."

" .......and I ended up with crabs in my mustache." (not the same guy as the previous quote)

" .......and now I have hemorrhoids."

" I had to have some genital warts burned off. They were like speed-bumps."

" She was fine except for the prolapsed rectum."

" .......green discharge."

As if I didn't already know........

Back when I still thought it was a good idea for me to "find someone", I will readily admit to utilizing cyberspace and on-line dating sites in pursuit of that goal. One of the services which I looked into was "eHarmony". For those of you who do not know the ins and outs of this, it goes something like this -

1) You fill out a questionnaire (in eHarmony's case, a VERY long questionnaire).
2) You submit it, and they connect you with people who seem to be a good "match".
3) You meet on your own accord, fall in love, get married, have kids, have an affair, and lose all your shit in divorce court (or something like that).

Now, in order to be matched properly, it is stressed that you are COMPLETELY honest when initially filling out the questionnaire.......which I was. "CLICK" I awaited my list of potential Mrs. Wrongs. What I received back was this.....an email saying, and I'm paraphrasing, "Ummm, look dude, despite the fact that 20 million people use this service, we have not a single "match" for you. So like, don't waste your money. Good luck, freak.".

It's funny, I guess I already knew that.........but it's quite illuminating to see it in writing.