Two steps forward.

To claim to be beyond sophomoric would be a complete failure of one's wisdom.

Win or crash.

Contrary to the old adage, I am putting all my eggs in one basket. I see it this way...........If things go bad, I'll have a big-ass basket-full of eggs to throw at whoever made it so.

Half empty.

If I were to turn all I know about life into a beverage, I'm afraid it would taste quite bitter.

Sharp-dressed man.

It is very hot and humid here...... If an 80' giant were to suddenly appear wearing an enormous, lint-covered sport-coat, he could ram a stick up my butt and use my lifeless body as one of those sticky-roller thingies.

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

When golf was invented, I'll bet they had trouble coming up with a standard size for the ball........then there was a hail-storm. Everyone voted........golf and weather-forecasting were changed forever. Later, the debate probably switched to the subject of ugly pants.

I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain............

We've all heard those stories about freak storms which rain frogs or fish or some other weird shit. I want to know why it never rains anything cool........like hedgehogs or PEZ.

Diamond cutter.

I think it's terribly unfair that when it gets very cold, women's nipples perk-up and seem to say "Well hello there, handsome." but my genitalia does an excellent impression of a "Shrinky-Dink".

Backfire.

It's sad to think that the closest I will ever come to knowing what it's like to be a bombardier beetle is having explosive diarrhea.

The butterfly effect.

In nature, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" is held as a basic truth. However, "Mother Nature" has traditionally been portrayed as a woman. Therefore, shouldn't it technically read "over-reaction"?

Golden calf.

A couple of days ago, there was a news story about a huge statue of Jesus which was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. I don't know why, but I now have an overwhelming urge to go there in the dead of night and replace it with a "Bob's Big Boy" statue.

.......98, 99, 100.

I'm gonna stuff a dead bum in my closet and just leave him there. So the next time any one of my friends drops by with their children, I can say "Hey kids, let's play hide-and-seek!".

Joni never loved Chachi.

For unknown reasons, I started singing "Big Yellow Taxi" to myself a few minutes ago. I got to the line "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?". It's just so true...........particularly when referring to toilet-paper.

God save the Queen.

It is very hot here and I want someone to hit me with water-balloons. I also want that someone to be Helen Mirren in a bikini........but that's a whole other issue.

I didn't know I wasn't.

It just occurred to me how many times in my life someone has awakened me only to ask "Why don't you go to bed?".

Expiration date.

It doesn't make sense to me that funeral processions move so slowly. I'd think you'd want to bury the damn thing as soon as possible, before it starts stinking-up the place.

Let me tell you about my mother..........

If you flip a turtle on it's back, it will surely die. This is why we see so few break-dancing turtles.

One of these things is not like the others.......

If President Obama's face is ever added to Mt. Rushmore, wouldn't they technically have to paint it?

Get out of my head.

I find that if I say the word "headache" over and over again, it starts to sound increasingly like "beer".

88 miles per hour.

I heard on NPR today about the unveiling of the "iPhone 4"........I have a "phone". It makes calls and receives them. People make fun of it. That's ok, because when I DO get a new phone, I will appreciate it so much more than someone who went from the iPhone 3 to the iPhone 4. It'll be like I traveled through freakin' time.

...but one of them is not a nickel.

As I'm typing, I'm sitting here listening to the unmistakable sound of a hand-full of coins bouncing around in the clothes-dryer. Why has no one ever taken this inevitability to the next level and incorporated a coin-sorter/counter/wrapper into the design? I'd buy one. Shit, I could pay for it with the money I get out of the dryer.

The bridge was smokin'.........

Living one's life is like composing a song in many ways. Most seem to want to compose theirs in "C".....with no "sharps or flats". Pleasant, but boring in my opinion. I want my "song" to be fraught with minor notes. It is only through them that the greatest joy and deepest sorrow can be expressed or experienced.........and when the song is over, I want to be totally spent.

Nope.

Gravity always wins.......dammit.

Save room for cake!

The worst part about walking a dog is the inevitable bag of poop you have to carry back home with you. It's horribly undignified. Because of this, I have stopped using little plastic bags in favor of one of those "pastry bags". That way, I just look like a really dedicated baker with dementia when I walk a dog......and I get to practice my cake decorating skills when I get home. Win, win.

Click here to enter.........

I'd like to have a social gathering of all the people I keep in touch with over the internet. I considered making it a "bring a covered dish" sort of thing, but you know damn well that half of them would be SPAM...... But who knows, maybe I'll "get lucky". Normally, I'd worry that I would end up with some sort of malicious virus from that............but luckily, I have acquired a good supply of Trojans.

Just to be a dick..........

If I was Lance Armstrong, I'd seriously consider changing my name to Lance Legstrong.

Do Not Disturb........

I think I'll post some photos on-line from my stay-cation. That might sound boring, but the laundry room is quite stunning this time of year.

It's "ALL SKATE" now. Let's all skate!

The roller rink........ah, good times. I didn't get there very often as a kid, but I do remember it being fun. "But why?", I asked myself today. Around and around the same boring oval...........and then, my moment of inspiration came. Why not make this a "spectator sport"?............. I'm going to design skates that look just like little "NASCAR" cars. Shit, if I can get permission to sell Budweiser at the concession stand, I'd be a freakin' millionaire overnight.

Damn kids..........

There are approximately 1,597,675,921,459,200 square feet of land on earth. There are about 6,824,300,000 people on earth. That's a square of land just over 44 feet in length and width for every damn one of us. I think this alone is justification for any old man who wishes to yell "Get off my lawn".