I'll be outside, if you need me............

A little quick math has revealed to me that I have smoked about 230,000 cigarettes in my life. If I only count the "smoke-able" portion of the cancer-stick, that equates to a cigarette about 7.25 miles long........inhaled directly and deeply into my lungs. Is it possible that this may one day kill me? Sure. But my second-hand smoke isn't going to kill you here tonight in the bar, so shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my beer. Here, let me buy you a few shots..........have a nice drive home.

Not exactly Malachi...........

Where I lived as a little kid, you couldn't go more than quarter mile in any direction without running into a corn field. Consequently, much of my early youth was spent running down the seemingly endless rows of corn, intentionally getting "lost" in the maze of maize. I still vividly remember the almost immediate feeling of isolation I would get by striding only a few yards into the tall, green stalks...........the beckoning of the "path" before me leading to places unknown...........the peaceful quite created by the insulating effect of a million leaves..........the odd feeling of disorientation when I would finally emerge............and the hope that where it had lead me would be a new, exciting place. It never was. I'd find myself, typically, about fifty yards from where I had entered. I'd return home with a sense that if I had only gone a bit further, I'd have found that place I believe lied "on the other side". Eventually, I emerged from the stalks for the last time. I suppose the dreams of a wondrous new world on the other side of a cornfield can only be dashed so many times before you abandon them forever. I'd like to think, however, that the child I once was still runs headlong down the neat rows, sure of something magical in the unseen distance.

Red, white and blue light special...........

Memorial Day weekend has arrived. American tradition dictates that we go out and buy cool shit at awesome "Memorial Day Sales", celebrate the annual "Opening of the Pool", cavort on our favorite beach and eat millions of tons of potato salad...............oh, and something about dead soldiers or something.

....just another sad old man, all alone and dying of cancer......

Both my brother and I were told as young adults still in high school "If you want to go to college, you damn-well better get a scholarship.". Now, as an adult with my father aging rapidly, I think back to those words and laugh...........I'm pretty sure "Shady Acres Nursing Home" isn't giving out any scholarships for being an asshole.

Here comes the sun..........

Today I found myself thinking about the somewhat disturbing act of using a magnifying glass and the sun's rays to burn ants. Then, I couldn't stop myself from actually doing the math to figure out just how large a magnifying glass I would need to burn people. It turns out, in technical terms, it'd have to be "really fucking big". I checked eBay........no luck.

I'd like my money back...........

When I was a very young boy, people told me "God loves you".......and I bought it. I think that was the first time I experienced "buyer's remorse".

23.5 degrees........

When the Summer Solstice arrives, I'm going to walk around all day with a scowl on my face until someone finally asks me "What's wrong?". I'll answer, "It's just been a really long day."................It is never too early to plan a lame joke.

Parte de tiempo........

I've decided to fill all my pockets with candy, and hang myself from a tree outside of a Mexican day-care center.

Stones........

In youth, we feel indestructible.........but are not. As time passes, we begin to understand that we were wrong. That wisdom is the catalyst which slowly cures the mortar between the stones of experience from which men are built...........and finally, we are indeed rendered indestructible.

Brazilians.............

If you were to ask me in what "configuration" any of my guy-friends maintain their pubic hair, I could not give you an answer.............because I don't know. On the flip side, if you were to ask the same question of a woman about her friends' nether-regions, I'd be willing to bet she would know. How? It's those group bathroom trips..........I'm sure of it. Women are awesome.

Oh well, the cake was good..........

I was thinking about marriage today. No, not about myself "getting married"...........that's just crazy talk. About the "act" of getting married. Specifically, the phrase "I do". Considering the current failure rate of unions (about 50%), I think maybe there should be a slight change in the wording. How about "I'll try" or "At the moment"?

Dammit.........

There is nothing in this world which a poorly aimed penis can't ruin.

Treasures..........

I have never shared joy with a "thing", laughed with one of my "assets", pined for the companionship of "paraphernalia" or mourned the loss of a "possession". Yet I have done all these with or for "someone"............and I am glad I know where the real treasures lie.

Fur-people.........

There was a time when I had several dogs. I found it almost impossible to think of them as anything but four-legged fur-people. Case in point - when I would leave the house for any extended period of time, I would leave the television on so they "wouldn't get bored". Now, I feel bad about that. If today someone were to force me for any length of time to watch what is considered "entertainment" coming through the boob-tube, I'd be hard pressed not to open a vein...........and my poor pups couldn't do that for themselves.......but I'm sure they would have, if they just had opposable thumbs.

Eye of the beholder........

On my wall, there hangs a display case. In it, there are a few dozen butterflies of various sizes and colors, all impaled with straight pins which have heads of different colors. It is quite beautiful and strangely morbid. It makes me wonder if it would still be so if it contained something else...........like penguins or koalas.

Internal-combustion equine........

I live in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. The sight of an Amish buggy almost never turns my head anymore because it's just part of the landscape here........but yesterday I saw something I'd never seen before. There was a horse and buggy parked and tied to a gas-pump at a service station. It seems that the Amish have been quietly developing hybrid technology............I'd bet it still only develops one horsepower.

What?

Occasionally, when I'm in a bar or something, I'll see deaf people watching television. Sometimes they'll be reading subtitles........or maybe they can read lips. But then a commercial comes on............."Can you hear me now?"..............ooooooh, that's gotta hurt.

Thanks for sharing.......

I suspect we've all had these moments...........during a seemingly innocent conversation, someone gives you a wee-bit too much information which makes you squirm. I've been thinking about the many times this has happened to me in my life, and here are several (not verbatim, most are quite old memories) which came to mind.

".....she decided to have her baby at home. When nobody was watching, the dog ate the placenta."

" Thanks, I'm feeling a little better but I've had explosive diarrhea all week."

" .......when I looked down, all I saw was this moist, brown ring."

" I was totally drunk, so I didn't care. In the morning, the sheets looked like a murder had been committed."

" ........so I just shook the turd out of my pant-leg."

" ........and his nose smelled like my asshole."

" When I woke up, I had little toilet-paper balls in my mustache."

" .......and I ended up with crabs in my mustache." (not the same guy as the previous quote)

" .......and now I have hemorrhoids."

" I had to have some genital warts burned off. They were like speed-bumps."

" She was fine except for the prolapsed rectum."

" .......green discharge."

As if I didn't already know........

Back when I still thought it was a good idea for me to "find someone", I will readily admit to utilizing cyberspace and on-line dating sites in pursuit of that goal. One of the services which I looked into was "eHarmony". For those of you who do not know the ins and outs of this, it goes something like this -

1) You fill out a questionnaire (in eHarmony's case, a VERY long questionnaire).
2) You submit it, and they connect you with people who seem to be a good "match".
3) You meet on your own accord, fall in love, get married, have kids, have an affair, and lose all your shit in divorce court (or something like that).

Now, in order to be matched properly, it is stressed that you are COMPLETELY honest when initially filling out the questionnaire.......which I was. "CLICK" I awaited my list of potential Mrs. Wrongs. What I received back was this.....an email saying, and I'm paraphrasing, "Ummm, look dude, despite the fact that 20 million people use this service, we have not a single "match" for you. So like, don't waste your money. Good luck, freak.".

It's funny, I guess I already knew that.........but it's quite illuminating to see it in writing.