Don't call us. We'll call you.

I have decided to try "speed-dating", but I won't be going to an organized "event". What I mean is, I'm going to set up 10 or 12 dates on the same night, have one drink while I determine if they find me "sponge-worthy", then feign an emergency phone-call and proceed to the next date.

Window shopping.

If presented with just the right inflection, I find the phrase "Hello, ladies" transcends any language barrier.

Rubber-necking.

Where I work, sometimes you are asked to run the boring machine. A literal and figurative collision.

An army of one.

There is something rather empowering in the knowledge that my body produces flammable gas.

Oh snap.

I should have believed you when you said you couldn't bend that far............but hey, look on the bright side. You can now.

And if you act now.....

*Ring, ring*.....

Me : Hello.

Idiot : Yeah, I'm calling about the motorcycle you have for sale.......I was wondering if you'd be willing to come down on the price?

Me : Why would I come down on the price for someone who has not even seen the bike?

Idiot : Well, I can buy a 2004 KIA for like $800.00.

Me : So, go ahead...... I can buy a cheese-steak for like $8.00, and that's just as relevant.

Idiot : It just seems like a lot for that bike.

Me : You mean for the bike you've never seen, right? Well, you can come take a look at it if you wish, or you can stop wasting my time.

Idiot : I just think you could come down on the price.

Me : Good choice.

*click*

Not a Clapton fan.

If Richard Dawkins ever gives a speech around here, I will be there. I'll be the guy in the crowd holding up a sign which reads "DAWKINS IS GOD".

Glass completely-empty kind-of-guy.

Stoli. It's the only sleep-aid I trust........AND sometimes it gets handed to me by a hot chick who pretends she likes me. Ah, sweet dreams.

CliffsNotes.

To make a long story short, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The end.

Good times were had by all.

What's that old saying? "When it rains, it pours a bucket of raw sewage into your open mouth while sodomizing you and forcing you to watch puppies get thrown into a wood-chipper."? Yeah, that's it, I think.

Post-it clothes.

There is "good" sticky, and then there is "bad" sticky. I've had enough "bad" for a while, thanks.

Calling for showers.

I can't think of any situation in which hearing the phrase "Urine is sterile, right?" would be a good thing.

Don't drive angry.

In the movie "Groundhog Day", Bill Murray learns "over time" all the things that his love-interest likes, then uses all that information to con her into his bedroom.......... Everyday, facebook gives me updates on specific things that my "friends" like......... Little gears in my head have begun to turn.

This side up.

If I had internet access, a tanker truck of "Turkey Hill iced tea", a metric ass-load of cigarettes, and a constant supply of "Depends", I'm sure I could live quite comfortably in a refrigerator box.

You have to be this tall.

For about a year now, I've been experiencing some pretty serious bouts of vertigo. This used to bother me, but now I've kinda started to like it. Next time it happens, no matter where I am, I'm gonna raise my arms and scream like I'm on a roller-coaster. I might get odd looks from some people, but screw them........ it's a hell of a ride.