No tea for me, thanks.

Think back to your school days, any school days from K to college. Remember how the loud, pain-in-the-ass whiners and complainers were almost always mouth-breathing dullards? Too bad that doesn't change when you grow up.............and sadly, now they can vote.

Thanks for the tip.

I prefer to hang out with the girls.........they always point out the sluts.

Can I have your stuff?

He who dies with the most toys wins.......... but that doesn't make him any less dead.

Apples and........apples.

On September 11 (the irony of which is hysterical to me), 2008, the PA "smoking" laws took effect. We all know about it, so I won't bother with the details of the law. The reason for it (essentially) was the "risk" to the health of those forced to share a space with me and come in contact with "second hand smoke" (in other words, fear of death). Ok, now I can't smoke where I want..........but I dealt with it. The "public" spoke and got what they wanted......... and I bit the bullet and headed outside so as to not "endanger" any of the non-smokers in a public place. It's that "in a public place/forced to share" thing that got me thinking about something else today..........

Everyday I am "forced to share" a public place with the general public.........and my life is endangered constantly by the actions of others. It has been proven time and time again that driving while using a cell phone is incredibly dangerous.....not only to yourself, but to anyone else in that "shared public space". The connection is easy to make, yet universally ignored because EVERYONE has a cell phone.......and only awful people smoke, right? My point is this.....bite the bullet, put down the phone like I put down my cigarette.............save your own life and maybe mine as well........otherwise, like I said before, you're just another full-of-shit asshole.

Don't call us. We'll call you.

I have decided to try "speed-dating", but I won't be going to an organized "event". What I mean is, I'm going to set up 10 or 12 dates on the same night, have one drink while I determine if they find me "sponge-worthy", then feign an emergency phone-call and proceed to the next date.

Window shopping.

If presented with just the right inflection, I find the phrase "Hello, ladies" transcends any language barrier.

Rubber-necking.

Where I work, sometimes you are asked to run the boring machine. A literal and figurative collision.

An army of one.

There is something rather empowering in the knowledge that my body produces flammable gas.

Oh snap.

I should have believed you when you said you couldn't bend that far............but hey, look on the bright side. You can now.

And if you act now.....

*Ring, ring*.....

Me : Hello.

Idiot : Yeah, I'm calling about the motorcycle you have for sale.......I was wondering if you'd be willing to come down on the price?

Me : Why would I come down on the price for someone who has not even seen the bike?

Idiot : Well, I can buy a 2004 KIA for like $800.00.

Me : So, go ahead...... I can buy a cheese-steak for like $8.00, and that's just as relevant.

Idiot : It just seems like a lot for that bike.

Me : You mean for the bike you've never seen, right? Well, you can come take a look at it if you wish, or you can stop wasting my time.

Idiot : I just think you could come down on the price.

Me : Good choice.

*click*

Not a Clapton fan.

If Richard Dawkins ever gives a speech around here, I will be there. I'll be the guy in the crowd holding up a sign which reads "DAWKINS IS GOD".

Glass completely-empty kind-of-guy.

Stoli. It's the only sleep-aid I trust........AND sometimes it gets handed to me by a hot chick who pretends she likes me. Ah, sweet dreams.

CliffsNotes.

To make a long story short, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The end.

Good times were had by all.

What's that old saying? "When it rains, it pours a bucket of raw sewage into your open mouth while sodomizing you and forcing you to watch puppies get thrown into a wood-chipper."? Yeah, that's it, I think.

Post-it clothes.

There is "good" sticky, and then there is "bad" sticky. I've had enough "bad" for a while, thanks.

Calling for showers.

I can't think of any situation in which hearing the phrase "Urine is sterile, right?" would be a good thing.

Don't drive angry.

In the movie "Groundhog Day", Bill Murray learns "over time" all the things that his love-interest likes, then uses all that information to con her into his bedroom.......... Everyday, facebook gives me updates on specific things that my "friends" like......... Little gears in my head have begun to turn.

This side up.

If I had internet access, a tanker truck of "Turkey Hill iced tea", a metric ass-load of cigarettes, and a constant supply of "Depends", I'm sure I could live quite comfortably in a refrigerator box.

You have to be this tall.

For about a year now, I've been experiencing some pretty serious bouts of vertigo. This used to bother me, but now I've kinda started to like it. Next time it happens, no matter where I am, I'm gonna raise my arms and scream like I'm on a roller-coaster. I might get odd looks from some people, but screw them........ it's a hell of a ride.

Two steps forward.

To claim to be beyond sophomoric would be a complete failure of one's wisdom.

Win or crash.

Contrary to the old adage, I am putting all my eggs in one basket. I see it this way...........If things go bad, I'll have a big-ass basket-full of eggs to throw at whoever made it so.

Half empty.

If I were to turn all I know about life into a beverage, I'm afraid it would taste quite bitter.

Sharp-dressed man.

It is very hot and humid here...... If an 80' giant were to suddenly appear wearing an enormous, lint-covered sport-coat, he could ram a stick up my butt and use my lifeless body as one of those sticky-roller thingies.

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

When golf was invented, I'll bet they had trouble coming up with a standard size for the ball........then there was a hail-storm. Everyone voted........golf and weather-forecasting were changed forever. Later, the debate probably switched to the subject of ugly pants.

I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain............

We've all heard those stories about freak storms which rain frogs or fish or some other weird shit. I want to know why it never rains anything cool........like hedgehogs or PEZ.