Bless you.

Don't you hate when you get that feeling you're about to sneeze, but instead you wake up in a Motel 6 with your best friend's wife.

Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human....

A long time ago, I was seeing a woman with an artificial valve in her heart. I could actually hear it "clicking" if I was close enough. In a strange way, I think this has prepared me for when the robots take over.

No, he doesn't talk.............anymore.

Take my word for it, even if you DO build a really awesome igloo out of ice-cubes in your freezer, don't kid yourself into believing that your parakeet wants to play "March of the Penguins" in there.

Illegal use of hands.

I'm bummed that Pennsylvania College of Art and Design doesn't have a football team. Sure, they would suck, but their uniforms would be fabulous.

I'm only happy when it rains..........

Rain, rain, go away. Or I'll be forced to slit my wrists. Hmmm, that doesn't rhyme as well as I remember.

Nobody doesn't like.........

Today, I filled out a job application at "BJ's Wholesale Club". There was a question on it which asked "have you ever worked for BJ's before?". I answered "Worked for, no. But I have spent a hell of a lot of money buying drinks"............. So far, no callback.

Government prostate exam.

My ears were "burning" today. It is said that this means someone is talking about you. At the same time, however, my butt-hole started hurting. I guess the person talking about me was from the IRS.

The magic Dorito.

Even though it is a huge pain in the ass, I must admit my pride swells a little when I clog the toilet.

In the end, we are only the sum of our scars.

How about a little 38 Special?

I think I will "accidentally" spill my beer on anyone who mentions how well/poorly their fantasy football team is doing today. "Sorry dude, that was a fantasy beer-vendor accident in the fantasy stands."

420 Stoner Road

I asked "So, can I get your number?". She said, "Sixty-nine"......... Things are looking up..........or down, depending on your preference.

No tea for me, thanks.

Think back to your school days, any school days from K to college. Remember how the loud, pain-in-the-ass whiners and complainers were almost always mouth-breathing dullards? Too bad that doesn't change when you grow up.............and sadly, now they can vote.

Thanks for the tip.

I prefer to hang out with the girls.........they always point out the sluts.

Can I have your stuff?

He who dies with the most toys wins.......... but that doesn't make him any less dead.

Apples and........apples.

On September 11 (the irony of which is hysterical to me), 2008, the PA "smoking" laws took effect. We all know about it, so I won't bother with the details of the law. The reason for it (essentially) was the "risk" to the health of those forced to share a space with me and come in contact with "second hand smoke" (in other words, fear of death). Ok, now I can't smoke where I want..........but I dealt with it. The "public" spoke and got what they wanted......... and I bit the bullet and headed outside so as to not "endanger" any of the non-smokers in a public place. It's that "in a public place/forced to share" thing that got me thinking about something else today..........

Everyday I am "forced to share" a public place with the general public.........and my life is endangered constantly by the actions of others. It has been proven time and time again that driving while using a cell phone is incredibly dangerous.....not only to yourself, but to anyone else in that "shared public space". The connection is easy to make, yet universally ignored because EVERYONE has a cell phone.......and only awful people smoke, right? My point is this.....bite the bullet, put down the phone like I put down my cigarette.............save your own life and maybe mine as well........otherwise, like I said before, you're just another full-of-shit asshole.

Don't call us. We'll call you.

I have decided to try "speed-dating", but I won't be going to an organized "event". What I mean is, I'm going to set up 10 or 12 dates on the same night, have one drink while I determine if they find me "sponge-worthy", then feign an emergency phone-call and proceed to the next date.

Window shopping.

If presented with just the right inflection, I find the phrase "Hello, ladies" transcends any language barrier.

Rubber-necking.

Where I work, sometimes you are asked to run the boring machine. A literal and figurative collision.

An army of one.

There is something rather empowering in the knowledge that my body produces flammable gas.

Oh snap.

I should have believed you when you said you couldn't bend that far............but hey, look on the bright side. You can now.

And if you act now.....

*Ring, ring*.....

Me : Hello.

Idiot : Yeah, I'm calling about the motorcycle you have for sale.......I was wondering if you'd be willing to come down on the price?

Me : Why would I come down on the price for someone who has not even seen the bike?

Idiot : Well, I can buy a 2004 KIA for like $800.00.

Me : So, go ahead...... I can buy a cheese-steak for like $8.00, and that's just as relevant.

Idiot : It just seems like a lot for that bike.

Me : You mean for the bike you've never seen, right? Well, you can come take a look at it if you wish, or you can stop wasting my time.

Idiot : I just think you could come down on the price.

Me : Good choice.

*click*

Not a Clapton fan.

If Richard Dawkins ever gives a speech around here, I will be there. I'll be the guy in the crowd holding up a sign which reads "DAWKINS IS GOD".

Glass completely-empty kind-of-guy.

Stoli. It's the only sleep-aid I trust........AND sometimes it gets handed to me by a hot chick who pretends she likes me. Ah, sweet dreams.

CliffsNotes.

To make a long story short, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The end.

Good times were had by all.

What's that old saying? "When it rains, it pours a bucket of raw sewage into your open mouth while sodomizing you and forcing you to watch puppies get thrown into a wood-chipper."? Yeah, that's it, I think.